For as long as I can remember I have suffered from
anxiety and depression and an over-active mind. My mind is like a busy
New York City street-there's always something going on, whether that's thinking
about yesterday, tomorrow, food, study, the state
of the economy, what I have to do - you name
it and I think about it!!! It's almost like I have hundreds of different
people living in my brain constantly talking to me, telling me things, reminding me of what I should know or should do,
reprimanding me for what I do wrong – but strangely never really giving me much
credit for what I do right.
I think for me, my controlling nature comes from my
anxiety. As we all know the world is an uncertain place and for me this
causes a lot of anxiety. They say you get wiser as
you get older but for me it seems like I just want to try and control more – and
increasingly, every aspect of my life to try . There
is something about predictability that
gives me comfort – and that’s what I want and in EVERY WAY !!! I
control what I eat and when I eat (to the extreme),
when I study, how much I study, what time I wake up, what time I go to bed, how
much water I drink, what time I'll exercise, what
exercise I will do – where, what time I'll check social media -MY DAY IS
100% planned-I might not ‘know’ what is coming every day but I sure
try and make sure I can – and control it!! I am so not that person
who can have spontaneous and last minute catch ups.
I need to know at least a day in advance-I need to put it in my calendar, I
need to have it in my mind!
Even as a ‘carefree’ 21 year old this causes big problems
for me, particularly in my social life. For
example - I will decline seeing friends or going out if I
don't have enough notice or if I feel like the going out situation won't be in
my control. What
impacts me and perhaps worries me most is that I find it easier to turn down going
out for meals with friends than shaking off my fear of loss of control.
Because of my rigid routine and loss of
control fears I compromise the good things in my life – the friends that I love
the most.
THIS IS SOMETHING I AM WORKING ON!!
