The Honest Truth

I try, I really do try to be positive and happy and a lover of life, but a lot of the time I don't feel that way.  I want this blog to be an honest account of my journey and a place for me (one day) to look back and see how far I've come.

So, this blog post is the most recent e-mail I've sent my psychologist.

Recovery is a journey, some days you feel great and excited, but the reality is, there will be some days where you feel shit and sad and scared and frustrated.  Recovery is learning how to cope with those 'crap' days and hopefully one day, we all, won't experience them.

Be strong, continue on your self-love journey.

Remember, a stone in the road, won't stop you from reaching your destination.

Hi Jeannie,

Sorry I haven't been in touch.

I don't really know where to start, because honestly I don't really know what the issue is, all I know is that something does not feel right.  I try, I really do try to be self-loving and a kind person to myself, but if I'm completely honest with you, there is no one I hate more than myself.  I feel like I have a ball of fire in my heart and it results in anger and anxiety.  I feel like i want to yell and scream and punch a wall.

Even though, physically I am not anorexic anymore, mentally I am still very unwell.  Every night I go to bed with thoughts of food and exercise, I'm constantly trying to restrict my diet (these days I am better at ignoring these thoughts), but honestly, it's draining and exhausting.  The thing that probably upsets me the most is that I am constantly comparing myself to every single person.  The logical, insightful Katie, knows that to compare yourself to people, is a waste of the person I am, but this doesnt stop me from doing it.  

I also get frustrated that i feel this way, I get frustrated that no one seems to understand, I get frustrated that Mum and Dad don't truly 'get it', I get frustrated that I have such a fantastic life but I can't seem to enjoy it.  I know that I am the only one that can help myself at the end of the day, but this is probably the scariest part of all of this.  It scares me that there is no easy fix and there is no one that can help me.  

I'm sad, I'm really sad and I'm exhausted from fighting and I'm really scared. 

Thanks,
Katie